The End.

My spring break, my birthday, none of it matters to me anymore. Because remembering it all would be a pain that's unbearable to one. No one remembered my birthday and I didn't get anything as a gift but $20 which I can barely spend on new clothes; not trying to sound like a brat but a couple bucks or a simple happy birthday would've been fine. My mother doesn't trust or understands me, my father always yelling at me, my boyfriend always bitching at me.... so now i ask myself, "who's left?" & "what reason is there to live...?" . Yeah I know there's a bright future ahead but I'm afraid to take that leap because I am not sure if anything would be better. The person who I am most close to and really sincerely understands me is the person that pushes me away as if he doesn't want me in his life. I'm the blame for all the stress I bring to him. So that leads me to blaming myself for it all. I'm not worthy right... ? Everything I do, I do it because I want to. Then again, I don't ever get anything in return or any sort of appreciation. I'm simply the dirt under his shoe. I'm simply another person who doesn't understand him. Simply a loner who likes to be clingy around him... Well, I can say is it's clear he does not appreciate the fact that I appreciate him being here for me all the time and that he's all I got left. But just as that's in my head, he walks out on me and says he's done. He promises me things that he's unable to keep. There are so many broken promises that I can't even remember all of them. But one specific night was my last night as a JV for SGHS Volleyball. I put all my hard effort into making the night beautiful for everyone to see and for everyone to just enjoy a nice evening there at the banquet. He had promised me a month before the event came that he would go, so I paid for his reservation as well as my own. But that night, was the night everyone saw me cry for the very first time. I've always been strong for myself, but it hurt me that he chose to be with his friends over something that meant a lot to me. That's once, and not too long ago, not only did volleyball people see me cry, but the whole school did. I got teachers coming up to me and friends coming up to me asking if I'm okay. And I simply said, "I'm fine." The one person that's suppose to be there and ask if I'm okay is my hubby. Instead of trying to comfort me because of his actions, he tells me I'm only crying for sympathy from others. Every day, I try to smile as if nothing is bothering me and as if my relationship is a healthy one like it used to be. When it hits night time, and I'm waiting for his call or text, my heart would cry out to me and tell me how much pain that it's taken and that it's time to burst. die. fall. Whatever the case is...I would pull out my composition book and re-read all the memorable things he would write and tell me. I would pull out my other composition book and re-read all of the journal entries that I've written in the past. Also, the videos I have on my phone...yeah it serves a purpose. These are the only things I have left of him after he left me to fall on my own through any problems. He's never there for me anymore like he used to tell me. I don't have a shoulder to cry on but a pillow. I don't have anyone to give me a hug so I lay and hug myself. I feel like a punching bag except I'm being attacked verbally every so often for the littlest things I do. Sooner or later, it'll be worn out and I'd be tossed into the trash. But wait, he said I'm already nothing but dog shit under his shoe. Just like what his "about me" on myspace says. I feel like whenever I want to talk to someone about my feelings, I can't come to him because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the person who's suppose to be the one to make me feel safe and comfortable around. That's horrible. I've given chances after chances for his many mistakes which happens to be way worse than what I cause. But I can't ask for a chance because I'm never allowed one. So instead of asking for a chance, I stay quiet and let him say what he wants to say. Let him bag on me to the fullest. Why? Because I love him and I don't want this relationship to end. I want my prince back. I want a boyfriend who would be willing to do anything for me. One that listens to what I have to say and take it into consideration. One that's there to dry my tears up. The one that would surprise me out of nowhere just to see me smile. The one to tell me " Baby I miss you" or "Baby I love you" at the randomest time just so he can assure that i know that. But recently, I've really fallen. And just as I thought, he walked out on me and never came back to pick me up; Officially walked away on April 15, 2012....

What Happened?

Just when I need you the most, you left me to fall on my own.
Just to go out there and have fun, getting all drunk and blown.
Matter of a fact, leave me hanging just so you could go to sleep
While I'm staying up through the night. & what do I do? Weep.

Don't worry baby, I'm just fine. <3

LAST??

I'm not one to ever give up but I guess I'm giving in,
Do me a favor and ask your parents how it feels to fucking win,
Because what happened this week I think I'm losing my mind,
please don't let this shit rewind, come on I wasn't blind,
I knew they didn't even like me from the start,
But I was lucky enough to be the one to grab your heart,
And now It's been like 5 days the longest we've ever been apart,
This stress is building up makes me want to smoke some dope,
Even if I did go smoke there would still be no hope,
For the thread that we're hanging by which once was a rope,
I ran out of things to say drowning in my tears,
I'ma go now so I can buy me 2 bottles of beer.